Saturday, December 15, 2007

A Meme for the Middle-Aged

Deliver me, Lord, from the threat
of heaven ...

-- Peter Goldsworthy, 'Mass for the Middle-Aged'

As previously threatened promised, I have composed a meme for the middle-aged in order to offset the peculiar psychological effects of doing memes that were written for backward American teenagers. It even has some serious questions in it. If you are under 37, you will not understand some of these questions. If you a blogging beginner, this post will bewilder you -- better scroll down and read the the Christmas carols one instead.

UPDATE: I've just realised I haven't done this meme myself, so will use it as an excuse for some avoidance behaviour instead of tackling the next task on the list.

1) Which part(s) of your body is/are hurting as you read this? List all that apply.

Feet, head. I am bracketed by middle-aged aches.

2) Which of the following is/are no longer working properly? List all that apply.

a) feet
b) ankles
c) knees
d) hips
e) back
f) neck
g) brain
h) digestive system
i) blood pressure
j) memory
k) idealism
l) compassion
m) optimism
n) other (please specify) (NB -- if the answer is 'bits', and it may well be, that's on a strictly a need-to-know basis)

(a), (c), (d), (f), (h) and (k).

3) Has your hairline receded? (For both sexes.)

No, it's always been this high.

4) Is your hair the same colour it was ten years ago?

Not quite.

5) Is your hair the same colour it was ten days ago?


6) Do you know what colour your hair would be if you grew the colour out?

Yes -- a less tabby-cat-like version of what it looks like now.

7) Are you still content to have your photo taken?

What do you mean, 'still'?

8) Do you think that Brazilians and/or back, sack & crack waxes are ridiculous?

Not quite; some of my own 'beauty' practices are a bit odd, too. I mean, I own an eyelash curler. (Which I can no longer use without thinking of that scene in The Boys.)

9) Or have you had one (or more than one)?

Hell no.

10) Did it hurt more than childbirth / falling off a ladder / root canal work / being attacked by a shark? (If not applicable, write ‘Not Applicable’.)

Not Applicable.

11) Have you had root canal work?

Not Yet.

12) Have you had surgery on any of your intimate parts?


13) Were you evasive about it with your friends and relatives?

No. Only with readers of my blog.

14) How long have you known your oldest friend?

Since we became friends in Year 9 after having been enemies in Year 8 -- 40 years.

15) How often do you have to grope around for a particular word before you remember it?

Too bloody often.

16) When you travel, do you take a special separate toiletries bag exclusively for your medications and other first aid supplies?


17) Does the thought of starting a new relationship

(a) fill you with horror
(b) make you giggle
(c) make you want to run away into the desert
(d) other (please specify)

All of the above.

18) What have you found to be the most reliable mantras, slogans and shibboleths to get you through life’s bad moments?

'This too shall pass.'
'Think of it scientifically.'
'You're not being napalmed.'
'My heart is pure, I have the strength of ten.'
'Let it go, Indy.' *

* Much of the appeal there is in the visualisation and imagined hearing of Sean Connery.

19) What makes you cry?

Music, injured animals, news items about lost children who have been found safe, music, funerals, and music.

20) What makes you laugh?

My friends, bless them.

21) Who were your musical gods and heroes when you were in your late teens/early 20s?

The Joni Mitchell of Blue and the Elton John of Tumbleweed Connection, which to this day I'm proud to claim.

22) Is/are he/she/they still alive?

Elton (age 60) is still touring his butt off and Joni (age 64) has a new album, an exhibition of paintings and a new ballet based on her music all showing/touring/on sale as we speak. I've seen them both live and they are both great musicians.

23 Which of these is no longer what it once was? List all that apply.

a) your ability to metabolise alcohol or other drugs of choice
b) your desire to metabolise alcohol or other drugs of choice
c) your desire to dance
d) your ability to dance

All but (c).

24) Have you now been to enough funerals to have definite and detailed ideas about how they should be organised and run? If yes, please elaborate.

Yes. Good music, good flowers, carefully chosen speakers and readers, and minimal crying if possible.

25) Have people started trying to help you across the street?

No, but give me time.

26) Could you get up on karaoke night and sing 'Non, je regrette rien' without bursting into howls of hysterical laughter?


27) If not, please explain.

I can sing in tune, and my French accent is passable, but I regret almost everything.

28) What about 'My Way'?

Hmm. Wouldn't opening with the lines 'And now the end is near' provoke sarcasm in the ranks, at karaoke?

29) When did you last have a drink?

Last night.

30) What was it?

Fox Creek Verdelho, my fave.

31) Can I have some?


No tagging, just do it, if you feel it speaks to you. And please let me know here so I can go and have a look.


Jamie said...

1) My new vag, which I am assaulting with an all-day dilator. Ow.

2) g) Never did work right. ;) h) Too much rich food last night. j) What is memory?

3) Thank the gods, no.

4) More or less.

5) Yes

6) Yes

7) More than I was 10 years ago, really. =)

8) Body hair squicks me. I don't require it of partners, but I prefer to be waxed from the neck down, when I can afford it. :)

9) See above. :)

10) I, umm, kinda like it, to be honest. >.> <.<

11) Yes. :(

12) Does SRS count? ;) YES!

13) I hid my gender issues for a very long time from my family.

14) 14 years

15) Frequently.

16) Yup!

17) A! It's scarey as hell. And I say this having actually been on the first date of my life a week ago... Which I guess is odd for someone who's been married for 11 years, and has had a girlfriend for the last two of those. Yay meeting online!

18) One Day More.

19) My body.

20) Sarcasm. Puns.

21) I refuse to answer this on the grounds it might incriminate me.

22) Them, or their career?

23) None of these. I don't choose to imbibe, and when I do, I metabolise things in very non-stereotypical ways, if they effect me at all.

24) No, other than tosay I don't want one.

25) No, and perish the thought!

26) I make babies cry when I sing.

27) No. Really. They cry.

28) I think it's considered child abuse.

29) Ummm. Assuming you mean teh booze. Ummm. I put some mint bailey's in my cocoa a few months ago?

30) Mint Bailey's in Cocoa. And you're asking if .I. have memory problems?

31) You are welcome to have spiked cocoa any time you want. Just give me a warning so I'm dressed. =)

elsewhere said...

Just for the record -- before I start on this meme, if indeed I do want to admit to YMA or continue instead with the euphemism 'late mid-youth' -- I tried 18 (c) and it didn't work (she says, having agonised all weekend over will he text back?).

Suse said...

Oh. I wrote on my blog recently that I was looking forward to your middle aged persons meme. I guess now I have to do it.

Anonymous said...

EC's how some sassy American women approach the meme.

"Like a rare wine, you don't get older, you just get better...."


Well I was looking round and checking out my very best friends
Seems that they'd all taken up with the young young men...
Seems that when you reach around middle age
You don't want a final chapter, you want to write another page...
I need a young man, to drive away my middle-age blues

Well seems like men my age are all married, boring or tied
You got to find a young man if you want to feel desired...
Now some of my friends is worried 'bout what people may say,
I say age ain't nothin' but a number the good lord made it that way...
I need a young man, to drive away my middle-age blues

You know he can get it up and he can get on down
He'll help you do the dishes, take you out on the town...
He'll let you navigate cause he ain't worried 'bout seniority
You can tell him where to put it, keeping you happy is his priority

I need a young, young man,
I need a young, young man,
I need a young, young man, to drive away my middle-age blues

Well i'll forget about my arthritis, my backache, my lumbago
That young man makes me tango at the horizontal disco
I'm cleaning out my closet, I'm no longer sentimental
Forget about experience, I'd rather have potential
A young man to drive away my middle age blues

Well, I don't need no reefer, I don't need no cocaine
All I need is a young man to drive me insane...
I'm throwing away my dustmop, got a brand new vacuum cleaner...
I'm no longer taken for granted, my young man's so much sweeter...
A young, young man, to drive away my middle-age blues

An old woman don't yell
An old woman don't tell
An old woman don't swell
An she's grateful as hell

I need a young, young man,
I need a young, young man,
I need a young, young man, to drive away my middle-age blues

Age ain't nothin but a number
Age ain't nothin but a number
Age ain't nothin but a number
Age ain't nothin but a number
And like a rare wine, you don't get older, you just get better...
Give me a young young man...

M-H said...

I've had a go here.

M-H said...

That lonk doesn't work... try

Ampersand Duck said...

I had a go too. it was fun.

fifi said...

you know, I didnt think there was much that could really take me by surprise on the internets, but after reading that first comment, I guess there still is.

Ampersand Duck said...

Ha! I knew you'd like Verdello.

I love the napalm saying. It's akin to 'what makes you the centre of the universe?'

And have you heard 'River: the Joni Letters'? Herbie Hancock jazzing up Joni (which doesn't take much, she's such a jazz chick anyway), along with Joni herself and a superb-sounding Tina Turner, plus others. It's a really wonderful CD.

Jamie said...

Fifi, perhaps the scarier thing is that it's all true.

I know, I'm weird, and a freak. I'm used to it. ^.^

Pavlov's Cat said...

Jamie, I was enthralled. It certainly all sounds true. What an interesting time you've been having.

Pavlov's Cat said...

Oh and &D, yes, heard bits and pieces of the Herbie Hancock -- it's fabulous.

Susoz said...

I did it too.

Anonymous said...